Editorial: Democracy is under threat

The world stands on a cliff edge of uncertainty. Putin’s war in Ukraine goes on. The global economy struggles to recover from the seismic shock of coronavirus. America still nurses the wounds of Trump’s chaotic presidency. And, perhaps worst of all, China still exists.

Here in Britain the so-called clown-in-chief Boris Johnson has somehow clung to power in spite of the #partygate scandal. Meanwhile, in the depths of our human sewer, the malignant influence of Jeremy Corbyn still lingers.

At Bazake Media we have been trying to bring you the bravest and most forthright opinion and news reportage. We believe that the truth, and a strident defence of it, is essential to a healthy liberal democracy.

However, there is a cancer rampant in the heart of Bazake.

Our dedicated readers and supporters will have noticed a sudden decline in Bazake’s output over recent weeks. Perhaps, you no doubt opined, there has been a lack of news and opinion?

Simply, no.

Rather, Bazake Media has been dragged into a pit of in-fighting and venomous biting. Not by me, you understand. But by my co-founders. Today, here, in this editorial, I will name and shame.

Kelvin Knox and Robert Zands. This pair of ignorant, selfish oafs have set about destroying Bazake.

These men are not to be trusted. Knox is a wastrel. A rolling stone of a man, shifting from one calamity to another with an irresistible force of gravitational buffoonery.

Born into privilege and educated in the most debauched way imaginable at the controversial and eyewateringly expensive Sellwick Leys “free democracy” private school in the 1970s and ‘80s, his professional career has, more than once, led him into outright criminality. As recently as last year Knox was to be found peddling performance enhancing drugs to lower league football clubs. He is currently ensconced in the ivory tower of academia, serving as head of the interdisciplinary department of so-called 2012 Studies at the University College Borehamwood. It is widely acknowledged to be a nonsense department with zero academic merit whatsoever that exists purely to make money from the foreign student market.

And as for Zands, that worthless dog, here we are talking about a pathetic puddle of human misery. A man too busy writing a wine guide so incompetent no publisher will touch it to contribute to Bazake. A man so addicted to social media he has become obsessed with stealing viral tweets in order to re-post them as his own. A man so flagrantly beyond the pale he was once so overcome with sexual desire towards my late wife he had penetrative intercourse with a letterbox.

Matters reached a head when this pair of scoundrels advised one of Bazake’s young female interns to not go on a candlelit dinner date with me. I won’t name her as I do not want to have her dragged through the mud of public scrutiny.

Yes, she just so happens to be female. Yes, she just so happens to be beautiful. Yes, she just so happens to be less than half my age. But these are all mere coincidences. I simply wanted to discuss her articles for Bazake. I was offering mentorship. Which in the eyes of these deranged idiots is now some sort of crime.

So I was left with no alternative. I changed the password on our web service account. I locked those bastards out of Bazake.

I tried to open negotiations with them, quietly, behind the scenes. The last thing I wanted was for Bazake to face potential public humiliation. But they turned their noses up at this olive branch and have left me no alternative.

I am bringing this out in the open. I know our readership will support me, and call for my vicious opponents to get round the negotiating table and hammer out a compromise whereby I can go for dinner in a good quality restaurant with Elektra.

Please tweet Zands and Knox to tell them how disgusted you are with their unreasonable behaviour. A template tweet you can send to them is as follows:

I, a humble reader of @BazakeMedia, am writing to you in defence of democracy and free speech. Please, in the tradition of British decency and fair play, cease your ruinous war of attrition against Oliver Laughdugry IMMEDIATELY or I will consider calling the police.