Football stadium food vendor hospitalised after 'accidentally slam dunking own head' into deep fat fryer

Chaos was unleashed by misplaced shot during the second-half of an Xtermin8 Rat Poison Football League match in South London


Joe Douglas Home

2/12/20222 min read

The brutalist Shufflebottom Stand of the Greyhound Lane stadium in Streatham, South London.
The brutalist Shufflebottom Stand of the Greyhound Lane stadium in Streatham, South London.

DEEP FAT FRIED HORROR: The Greyhound Lane stadium in South London, sometimes referred to as "the most cursed sporting arena in world sport". (Idiombo Guesalvar/Some Mothers Images)

A food stall vendor at a non-league football match has been rushed to hospital by air ambulance with serious burns following an accident with a deep fat fryer.

The incident occurred at an Xtermin8 Rat Poison Football League match between Streatham Rovers and West Brighton Wanderers at the Greyhound Lane Stadium in South London, where the home side had invited more food stalls than usual to pitch up along the perimeter in an attempt to get coverage from the Footy Scran social media accounts.

Paul Ashton, soletrader of the Brexit-themed taco street food outlet Nos Dealos, is believed to be the victim.

Eyewitnesses describe Streatham centre-forward Geoff Brown firing a powerful shot wide of the goal where upon its trajectory brought it crashing against the deep fat fryer Mr. Ashton was using to cook baja fish. One onlooker posted on social media, “the boiling oil splashed out over his face [loudly crying face] and the worst thing was it then ricocheted off the deep fat fryer and into the side netting so half the ground were cheering a non-existent goal.”

Another eyewitness recalled how Ashton, writhing around in agony from the first wave of oil, then “accidentally slam dunked his own head into a second, vegetarian deep fat fryer” that was used for corn fritters.

Valiant attempts to save the food vendor’s life were hampered because his lips and nostrils had fused together in the intense heat of the oil, and before CPR could be administered these airways had to be sawn open with a shocked onlooker’s house key.

In a statement made before the head-frying incident Spencer Carlyle, the Club Committee Chairman at Streatham Rovers, said that the club was eager to piggyback the success of Footy Scran. “They’ve got a quarter of a million followers on Twitter. Quarter of a million! You can’t buy that level of coverage. So we’re offering free pitching to any food stalls in and around London this weekend to try and get the club some vital publicity. You’ll barely be able to move for all the food on offer.”

In one particularly cruel irony it has emerged that Geoff Brown, a part-time urban beekeeper, provided one of the key ingredients used in Nos Dealos’s honey-lime chicken.

More on this breaking story to follow…