Research reveals that Londoners would only wait 12 hours after a nuclear attack before eating cats and dogs

Monstrous: A nuclear strike on the capital would be even worse news for pets than their human owners. (Bobby Doolrami/Puncture Viz via Spectangular via Johnson & Co.)

Londoners have been exposed as the Britons most likely to abandon their most basic humanity in the event of a nuclear war, with the average capital dweller only willing to wait half a day before eating local domestic pets in the event of a nuclear missile strike.

The polling, carried out by Vox Clarity, in partnership with Exotic Meat Menu, reveals that the residents of the North East & Cumbria would be the most restrained, waiting almost a fortnight before becoming desperate enough to feast on their beloved friends.

On average Britons are willing to wait around nine days before chowing down on Tibbles and Rover. It is only London’s south-eastern neighbours in the home counties who would also give in to desperate temptation before even a week has passed. However, the capital leads them by five clear days of feline and canine digestion.

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Max Kosley of Vox Clairty explains, “Ever since the Russian tanks rolled into Ukraine and celebrities have tarted calling for the implementation of a No Fly Zone we have all been wondering how a hypothetical nuclear conflict would affect those of us lucky enough to not be instantaneously vapourised. So naturally, we were delighted when Exotic Meat Menu got in touch about doing this fascinating research.”

Joseph Stableson, Head of Communications at estate agent Ahrsoll & Jenkins, noted that the map almost perfectly overlays with a map of regional UK house prices. “This is the thing about London and the south-east. It’s got a vibrant property market that really puts the rest of the country to shame, and this is a clear example of that go-getting, can-do attitude that you’ll only find in the capital. Believe me, London will rise from the ashes of a nuclear holocaust far quicker than the northern and south-western peripheries.”

However, commentator Wes Taylor, author of Professional Northerner: A Memoir and Londoniscum: How Britain Has Allowed An Inauthentic Cancer To Fester Within, is not so impressed. Speaking from a self-built media studio in his Stoke Newington home, he claimed the data, “must now surely be the final nail in the coffin of the debauched London vermin,” adding, “How long must we be ruled over by this inhumane and evil capital city? They control the money, the media and now they want to eat man’s best friend, beautiful proud cats, and probably goldfish and hamsters too, I don’t know, I haven’t read through the entire PDF.”

YouTube chef Gavin Holloway, who has previously exploited a legal loophole to cook cat and dog meat on his channel Super Easy 15 Minute Meals, warned that the irradiated survivors of such a cataclysmic event would be unlikely to prepare the carcasses correctly. “It takes special training to slaughter a dog or cat, to butcher it into the right cuts, and then you need to know the appropriate recipes to properly cook these unique and flavoursome meats.

“My great concern is you’ll just have marauding gangs of survivors riding round in stolen jeeps, wearing all manner of looted leatherwear and sports equipment hastily fashioned into crude armour, just pouncing on any small mammals they see, beating them to death with a cricket bat or whatever else comes to hand, and probably just eating it raw. Absolutely ghastly.

“That’s what’s so great about Exotic Meat Menu’s mail order service. Specially bred cats and dogs who live a wonderful free range life before being expertly butched, vacuum packed and sent direct to your door.”

FAACKSA (Friends Against Animal Cruelty, Killing & Sexual Abuse) were approached for comment but announced they are boycotting Bazake Media in protest at a previous article.