Rising Stars of the Conservative Party

In 2015 David Cameron famously saved the nation from chaos with Ed Miliband. There was collective sigh of relief from mansion owners across the country and newspaper editors could face the come down with the secure knowledge that their billionaire line managers weren’t going to ask them to call for an immediate military coup. (And by the way, don’t blame me, I voted for The Coalition.) But in all the commotion you may have missed that one of the new Tory intake was a fresh faced 50 year-old called Boris Johnson.

He may have been old news for those of us living in the capital (Infoblast: Johnson was Mayor of London from 2008-2016) but to those not living in the Westminster bubble, Johnson was a hot prospect and a TV superstar. It was as if Gregg Wallace or Tim Lovejoy had been elected to parliament. And what a ride we were in for.

But 7 years on and Boris is no longer a rising star. That joke isn’t funny anymore, it’s too close to home, close enough to record the arguments through the walls and sell them to The Guardian. He is a cold bowl of leftover pasta sauce that you stuffed into the fridge late night and now you have opened that same fridge in the morning and the pasta has fallen out and spilled all over your floor smashing the bowl. You would clean it up, but Karolina will be here about 10am anyway, so she can deal with it, it is her job after all, and she enjoys it.

So what of the next generation of Tory superstars? Here is my rundown of ones to watch in the coming years.

1. Theresa May

May has been known in previous roles for expertly cultivating hostile environments, and this week the MP for Maidenhead certainly did that for the Prime Minister. “Mummy” as she is affectionately known by male colleagues. is known to be ambitious, and it wouldn’t be surprising to see her Yasssss Queen her way to the top of the shop, becoming Britain’s third female Prime Minister after Margaret Thatcher and Theresa May.

2. The Winston Churchill impersonator on GB News.

You may have thought you had accidentally macro-dosed on LSD this week when you saw Anne Diamond interview Winston Churchill, but there was no need to worry as GB News is a collective hallucination most of the time anyway. The Winston Churchill impersonator on GB News would coast into parliament in just about any constituency in the country and then turn the UK into a simulacrum of 1940s perma-nostalgia. Only slight tweaks would be needed. It will illegal not to own Union Jack bunting and a quaint teashop with taped up windows, spending your days desperately praying that the holographic waves of phantom Luftwaffe that appear in the gloaming will drop their bombs and destroy your neighourhood. You can then rebuild your town exactly as it was in the perfect old days, this time without all the concrete and commonwealth immigration.

4. The Train Guy

Just to be clear, The Train Guy’s political affiliations are unknow as far as I’m aware, but if he were to declare himself for the blue team, he would surely be unstoppable by the year 2050. If you think that youngsters today are listening to the Today programme on Radio 4 and buying the Telegraph then you need to get with it granddad! It’s all about Tok-tik and Youtube these days and such are their saturation in the lives of anyone under 25, the only way future generations will be able to actually understand anything is to present it in a short video of no more than 15 seconds.

5. Persephone Wallets-Ivory

Persephone is the Queen’s badminton coach, a drama instructor who once taught Henry Cavill how to fence, and my sometime lover. Her secret info offered to me about life inside the palace has been invaluable to my career as a journalist, and in return I will never tell a soul about the night she hit that pedestrian after a few drinks and sped off into the night with nary a glance in the rear view, allegedly. And it was much more than one drink wasn’t it, Persephone? More like six! Perhaps you will return my calls now? I have more dirt to dish, don’t worry about that Persephone. Return my calls and I keep silent. Or just a text. Please.

And that concludes my rising stars guide. Keep an eye out, and remember where you read about it first, right here on Bazake Media!