Streatham Rovers FC - Club Statement April 2023

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

London, ENG: Today Streatham Rovers Football Club have issued the following statement for immediate release:

Streatham Rovers Football Club Mourns the Loss of Seven Supporters and Addresses Unfounded Speculation

Streatham Rovers Football Club is deeply saddened to confirm that seven of our elderly supporters passed away on consecutive afternoons in different nursing homes. We extend our deepest sympathies to the families and loved ones affected by these entirely unrelated tragedies.

Streatham Rovers is a family, and so together we mourn Arthur Bennett, Donald Millward, Dennis Webster, Gwen Shackleton, Charles Eagles, Harold Greenstreet and Wilfred Medley.

Following the fifth such death, the club decided to stop posting publicly on social media about them to avoid causing unnecessary alarm to our supporters and their relatives.

We would like to firmly rebuke any suggestions of a supernatural element to these events. There has been some absolutely wild stuff appearing on the internet, vengeful demons harvesting souls and all that garbage. These poppycock speculations are not only unfounded but also insensitive to the grieving families, and alo put the club in a very negative light.

We have been made aware of online troublemakers who have been telephoning and emailing the club with fake news of additional deaths. We want to remind these individuals that their actions are unacceptable and cause unnecessary distress to the families and loved ones of our supporters. Honestly, stop it you toerags. Have some damn respect for once in your rodent lives.

The club would like to thank the nursing homes and medical professionals who provided care to our supporters in their final days. We will continue to support our supporters' families and loved ones during this difficult time.

Streatham Rovers Football Club is proud of our strong community spirit, and we will continue to come together to support each other during this tragic time.

It is important to emphasise that these deaths are merely a statistical anomaly, and we do not expect them to happen again. However, just as I was narrating this press release to my wife I received news of an eighth death yesterday afternoon. Edith Mackenzie RIP - what a terrible blow.

But let's not get unduly carried away. These people were very old. The youngest was 80, so they've had a good innings. Honestly, it's a miracle they survived coronavirus.

For further inquiries, please contact the club's press office: banzo_itchy_bollox@hotmail.com

Yours, in football,

Spencer Carlyle,

Club Committee Chairman