Was Britain’s wokest binman to blame for the Russian invasion of Ukraine?

It all started innocently enough, as these things often do. Jason Bees was intrigued by the claims of “Marxist” being used to describe England footballers taking the knee during last summer’s European Championship, so he decided to do some research online. It was this slightest flap of the butterfly’s wings that brought down the first domino which would eventually lead to Vladimir Putin invading Ukraine.

“At first it was just the odd Youtube video, then books ordered off amazon. Marx, Engels, 19th century Trade Unionism, the American civil rights movement” he tells me in his local greasy spoon - the days when he hung out in independent hipster coffee bars with gender neutral toilets are thankfully long gone. “And before I knew it, I had a tattoo of the most prominent members of the Frankfurt School on my stomach, with Adorno and Horkheimer high-fiving over my belly button. I would stare at it for hours every morning, quite literally navel gazing. Little did I know that Mr Putin was watching, seeing the collapse of the soft decadent west and waiting for his moment to pounce. I’m so ashamed.”

Jason shows me some pictures on his phone of his foolish former life as a prominent member of the woke mob that has got us all into this mess. In one of them he is standing next to his bin lorry (or “refuse vehicle” as he renamed it, idiotically), a rainbow pride flag sticker has been neatly applied to the side. “It was just an effort to make us a bit more welcoming for any gay people who might want to work in the industry, that’s all. I even suggested that new members of staff might want to suggest which pronouns they would like to be known by. But Russia was scowling at me the whole time, warming up their tanks and missiles, even the ones that Britain had sold them, which amounted to millions of pounds worth even after the Salisbury poisonings, but even mentioning this, or in fact any British foreign policy in the last 500 years in any context, makes me a moronic stooge who has gulped down Kremlin propaganda like a country bumpkin with cottage pie for brains.”

And what now for Jason, how does he feel about personally giving Putin the green light for his war of aggression with his self-indulgent audio book purchases about decolonialism?

“I deserve to be in jail for war crimes just for changing my job title to “binperson” alone. A Times journalist has suggested that I should be sent to the International Criminal Court for spreading trans ideology, the very worst crime in the eyes of any British broadsheet commentator and zone 2 liberal media figure. My sincere apologies to them. I have also emailed Mr Putin and said sorry for annoying him so much. If you poke a bear and he sees you have “they/them” in your bio, then don’t be surprised if he gets angry and wants to rip your head off.”

Few would disagree. Fortunately, Jason has now pulled his head out of his backside, and has been fully deprogrammed. “I just listened to a lot of sensible media. The Times Red Box podcast, Times Radio, the Winston Churchill impressionist on GB News. I’m better now. I have blood on my hands and will spend the rest of my life in prison, but I am better.”